Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
They have beer where we have blood.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
