Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
