your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
