I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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