Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
