i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
