i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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