If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
