i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I believe in your delicious
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
