tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
