are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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