I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
