I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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