Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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