he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
