is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
