I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
