mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
this hospital has no fireball
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
