mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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