Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
