I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
