I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
