WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
