He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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