chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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