i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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