I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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