I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
