i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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