she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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