We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Randomize
