And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
