I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm at about main and main street
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
