did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
