Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Randomize
