I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
