Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
