call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
