I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
