Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
