I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
