so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
