drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
