she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
