If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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