You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
