farters have to be the big spoon...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
