Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
