You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
