I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
